yes, I admit it…I am overwhelmed on so many levels…I am such an introvert. Not one to share especially if I have to vocalize my thoughts…so writing is therapeutic…
Let me just say one main reason I am out of sorts is because I have misplaced my Bible. My Bible (all 10 pounds of the big thing!) goes with me everywhere. To work. At the kitchen table. Beside the sofa. In the bed. In the car. To church. Yes, I can look up and read stuff online. I have other Bilbes at home I can use, but I want my Bible! If I were a child, I would be throwing a temper tantrum right now! There is comfort in holding my Bible in my hands, feeling the pages as I search the Word; encouragement and wisdom are found not only already printed on those pages, but written in the margins, text highlighted because it revealed a new truth to me! I like finding the pages more worn than others, those are the places I realize that I go to most often seeking Hope and Grace and Truth! When I pray for others, I open my Bible and I let The Holy Spirit direct me to books, chapters, verses – and that is where I begin to pray for my friends and family and others that burden my heart. I know I don’t have the answers, but God does. So His Word is where I turn to…
So pray that I find my Bible…
Here are the remaining reasons I feel overwhelmed…Since last September I have been busy…busy trying to be a good daughter when my dad was in the hospital; busy when my mother in law (who was like a mother to me) was hospitalized in October, busy when my mom “hurt her back” in November, busy as my mother in law and my mom seemed to take turns in the hospital, busy in December when my mom was officially diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer, so busy that friends did my Christmas shopping, busy trying to be a good wife, mom, daughter, daughter in law, sister, employee, and serve at church… Into January I was still busy with the overwhelming demands of two of my children, basically living between Forsyth Medical and Wake Forest Medical and I kept busy as my grandmother also became ill, and as my mother in law and my mom’s conditions worsened. February 4th, Dennis’ family was able to honor their mom’s wish to go home…less than an hour after arriving home, she passed away. Still I kept busy, and while visiting my mom at the hospital on February 17th, I had a seizure. That slowed me down temporarily, while continuing to teach me lessons of humility… and yet the “busy”ness continued into March as my grandmother passed away. The night of my grandmother’s visitation, in the middle of a funeral home in Lexington, I get the call from dad that mom has suddenly transitioned to “dying” per the Hospice nurse. So we rush from a funeral home to the Hospice home where the next afternoon on March 13 (during the funeral service for my grandmother -her mother) I watch my mom take her last breath.
And still I have kept busy. Too busy to grieve. Busy is good, right? I thought so. Until this past week, when a dear friend jokingly made a comment about me being “Wonder Woman”! Those words pierced my soul. Is that how I am perceived? That is not my desire nor my intentions! Have I been too busy? Probably. The busy pushes out the sadness, the busy keeps the tears away, the busy forces frustrations away…
So here I am, with this overwhelming sense of sadness threatening the depths of my heart. With the overwhelming feeling of failure – as a wife and mom and friend and servant of Christ! I don’t want to just be “busy” for the Lord! I want others to have the same passion I do serving Christ and His church, and reaching out to others, I want others to experience this overwhelming love of God the Father!
A love that overwhelms all else! Oh to be overwhelmed by the flood of grace and mercy and peace that flows freely from the foot of the cross! I can stand assured of this, even without my Bible, I can cling to the promises of the One who rescues me from the miry clay, the One who pulls me from the pit and sets my feet upon the Rock! My Redeemer is faithful to bring His Words that I have hidden in my heart to the tip of my tongue; so that I can shout praises even in the midst of sadness, joy can spring forth in the mix of tears and oh what peace soothes my soul knowing that friends are undergirding me with prayer!
Just being real. I am a sinner struggling to find balance. Trying to “be still and know that He is God”! Humbled that His very presence overwhelms and refreshes my soul!
faith, family, friends + farming = abundant life 